Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
