my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
