I am midnight drunk by noon
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
