at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
