I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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