i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
