I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
