Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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