i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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