God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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