i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
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