i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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