i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Randomize
