she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
