So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think I won the penis lottery.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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