I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
