one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
