My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
my being single is dangerous.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
