Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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