i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
