i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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