I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
