my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
