he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
