Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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