You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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