I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
stop calling my apartment porn island.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize