My friends, they love my intelligence
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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