She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
