drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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