when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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