i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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