I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
