have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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