I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
