how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize