so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize