I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
