she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
