im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize