meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
