i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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