Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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