By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
