im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
