I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
