I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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