Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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