what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Floor bacon is actually really good
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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