Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
