Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
