oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize