I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
