never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
