Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
