i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
