we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
