I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
