it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
