I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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