it was like his penis was on wheels.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
