I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i think i just naturally attract stoners
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
