I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
