I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
